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An exercise in futility
Oct. 29th, 2007
Aug. 12th, 2007
07:10 pm
I was just getting over being sick, and I was poisoned tonight at dinner. I asked for a Cherry Pepsi, which I usually ask for in order that I not accidentally get a diet, since I have a violent reaction to Aspartame. My heartrate gets erratic, my temperature spikes, I get a headache and dizziness, and certain digestive problems as my body tries to flush the poison out. I ask for cherry because they pay special attention to it that way.
The waitress put the grenadine in a cup of diet pepsi. I took a drink before realizing, and now I'm going to be (dangerously) miserable all night at work. Usually I'd call off if this sort of thing happens, but I'm not sure I can yet without getting written up.
Aug. 11th, 2007
May. 24th, 2007
11:15 am
I got a 70 cent an hour raise today. Whoo.
Yesterday was a bad day I left in a good mood. First our truck didn't come when it was supposed to, 8:30 PM. At 10:15 PM, they informed us that said truck was, for some reason, in Chicago. It would, presumably, be at our store in three hours. Well, the guy did show up at 1:00 AM...but went to the wrong loading dock and fell asleep until six.
I also dropped a milk crate on my eye and stabbed myself in the ear with some broken headphones.
But, like I said, left in a good mood.
May. 1st, 2007
12:38 pm
Midland.
The Midland (please don't confuse with "Midwest") itself is the neutral zone between the North and South. But just because you have a Midland accent doesn't mean you're from there. Since it is considered a neutral, default, "non-regional" accent you could easily be from someplace without its own accent, like Florida, or a big city in the South like Dallas, Houston, or Atlanta.
Take the quiz
Apr. 22nd, 2007
12:02 pm
Laura asked for an update, so here it is. There's not much going on in my life, though.
In general, I'm stuck in a rut. I go to work, I go to sleep, I go to work again. Which would be fine if I could muster even outrage or annoyance at work. Pretty much, though, I just don't care. I don't care about what I do at work, what doesn't get done, what my coworkers are blathering about, what crazy shenanigans are disrupting the norm...I can't muster an ounce of feeling for anything there. When I leave, I leave my work there. My biggest, and only concern, is being left alone enough to retreat into my head and run on autopilot.
I'm not apathetic in general, just toward work, which takes up so much of my time. At home, I'm mostly bored out of my skull, and I'm thriving on special get-togethers and chances for some break in the monotony. On Thursday, my siblings and parents got together for my older sister's birthday party, and we had a blast playing with the Wii, just like we did for my party a week and a half earlier. It's such a social system, and those brief moments are bright enough to get me through the monotony.
The problem with a social system is that I, effectively, have no friends. All my highschool friends are moved away or too busy all the time, my college friends are scattered, literally, to the corners of the earth. I used to get together with people from work, but I really can't muster enough tolerance to listen to the gossip and pettiness outside of work...even on the internet, the people I enjoy chatting with are largely offline, or only briefly on. I don't begrudge anyone their individual business, but collectively it leaves me in the lurch.
I fill that time with video-games and books and movies and music, but I miss hanging out with the guys in college, or heading down to the coffee shop with a friend. I miss shooting pool with Dana Pacynski, and cuddling with someone I adore... Basically, I miss people.
Which is odd, because I hate people. Every passing day, I seem to loathe people more and more. I want to scream and rail at the idiocy I see all the time, and feel all the more dejected for my inability to accomplish anything. So I try to avoid people, especially in crowds or while drunk.
I think I need a new environment, a new job, a new way of getting about. I need a car, a challenge, a new book, a great love, and a moat.
Apr. 17th, 2007
02:43 pm
Past couple days, I haven't been sleeping well at all. I got maybe two hours of sleep last night, maybe four the night before. Needless to say, I got home from work today feeling tired to the point of exhaustion. I watched last night's episode of Drive on the television, watched most of Smoking Aces, then crawled into bed ready to sleep. Just in time to catch the first wave of my new lullaby, jackhammers and hardcore rap music...
Mar. 31st, 2007
04:40 pm
I think I hate people so much because I envy the ease with which they can live from moment to moment. From the profound to the most simplistic, I am hounded by a realistic estimate of what will come and the memory of everything that came before. I am cursed with perspective: like all my dreams, my life is lived partially from a third person view. This is not a blessing, in a world with only egocentrism.
I am forever tied to the great loves of my life, and every love lost is an emptiness in a space I hadn't known before. An emptiness reserved for that person, never to be filled. I don't mean that to be an "emo" complaint, just a statement of fact. I don't pretend to love people I don't actually love, and each of the women I've loved has been in a unique way. There's no replacing someone, and it hurts when the part of you that was only just discovered is wrenched away. And, for me, that empty place will always be a wound. I don't necessarily mean romantic loves, either, because it hurts just the same, if in a different direction, when I lose track of the platonic loves in my life, be they friends or the affection is just quietly onesided.
Again, it's not meant to be emo...Like the physical pain in my life, I can absorb and adapt to the emotional rents. No big deal, I'll always live. I just don't want to. I want to be able to break up with a girl and forget how she made me laugh, or forget how I empathized with her heartbreak. Forget how I could make her laugh or shiver with the lightest touch. I want to feel anger or hatred, not resignation and fatalism...but I am cursed with memory and foresight, and I can't resent someone I will always love.
The fact of the matter is, I'm running out of caring. I've known such wonderful people so early on that I'm getting harder and harder to please...and, perspective again, I know that nobody should ever need to please me. Moreover, the things that I want to see in people isn't demonstrable, it's a general quality of being I see within them.
It disgusts me when I hear people railing against someone they, until only recently, had been proclaiming to love. And I wish I could be as self-absorbed as they, that I could see people from a view that paints those who oppose me as wrong. It disgusts me because I know it's the norm, and I know I can never devote myself to someone and ever sever the bonds.
Unpleasable, undemanding, I withdraw from new people. Unwilling to open myself up to another lifetime of hurt, I close myself off from others, I push people away when they get too close.
The worst part is, I'm too smart to drown out that sort of thing through distractions. It takes a lot to completely occupy me, and more by the month. Once, reading a book worked. Then I had to add music. Now, I need so much, it's ludicrous. I'm almost at the point where I'm considering drinking to slow things down some...
Ugh...Whine whine whine.
Next thing you know I'll start trying to explain when and why I cry...I loathe whining...
Mar. 24th, 2007
Zelda DSMar. 16th, 2007
01:36 am
Everyone's being way too silent lately. So tell me, how's it going? Everyone all right? Anyone got big things going on? Anyone even know someone with things happening?
C'mon people, dish. I'm spazzing that things are going on and nobody wants to talk to me.
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